What was mom thinking??

I am smart--I have a Mommy Brain

2010-02-24T20:09:00.003-05:00

So the other day my eldest daughter said, "Mommy you aren't so smart." I became defensive immediately and probed on to find out her comment came from comments I had made about "not having as good of a memory as Daddy." Of course, I explained to her that Daddy has an exceptionally good memory, better than most, and that having a good memory wasn't the only way people are smart. Yada yada yada......

Which segues perfectly into a book I have just read, "The Mommy Brain; How Motherhood Makes Us Smarter" by Katherine Ellison. I just couldn't help but want to read this...because even though I was defensive at my daughter's comment I often wonder if I am losing my smarts. Good news....according to the research (mostly done on rats who have similar brains to humans) in this book I am not!!! Hooray!!! Anyone who says "I swear having kids has made me dumber," should read this book and cut themselves a break.....sleep deprivation, being overwhelmed at first at a new job with no manual and no training, and shock (what did I do?) can cause anyone to skip a step.

Here are just a few ways having children (according to research on rats) makes you smarter:
* perception (more sensitive to the sounds of your own child than others, improved visual perception--can spot a dangerous environment or situation)
*efficiency (multitasking--what mother especially of multiple children doesn't do this?, cognitive flexibility--able to think about things in new ways, being able to focus on the essential and ignore the irrelevant)
*resiliency (oxytocin hormone calms you---reduced reaction to stress, better memory due to oxytocin--ha ha, increased social networking)
*motivation (less fearful when necessary to take risks for your child's well being, aggressive towards a threat, motherhood causes you to re-examine your priorities and re-direct your energies)
*emotional intelligence (learning to care more about someone else needs than your own, figuring out a nonverbal child's wants and desires strengthens your ability to understand others feelings and motives---90% of communication is nonverbal anyway, increased empathy, increased self-restraint, improved conflict resolution skills).

"When asked which part of parenting helped most in her subsequent diplomatic career, former Secretary of State Madeline Albright answered, 'Getting people to play well together!' Mothering,that is, provided the groundwork for her expertise in managing a huge bureaucracy and supervising highly emotional negotiations over foreign conflicts. In doing so, she would often be reminded of 'children arguing and feeling that they can't understand the other person's side.'" (K Ellison)--Welcome to my everyday :)

All these "improvements" can be translated into skills for a job outside the home. We just need to see them as such. We need to advocate for ourselves. Perhaps we should start listing motherhood on our resumes.

Self-esteem

2009-11-01T11:47:00.001-05:00

There's only one way to teach self-esteem: You give them something they can't do, they work hard until they do it, and you just keep repeating the process.---Randy Pausch

Maybe my self-esteem would be better if I took on more tasks that I'm not immediately successful at. The accomplishment would probably be relished more, rather than expected.

-- Posted from my iPhone

You can do better is not "You're not good enough"

2009-10-29T23:22:00.001-04:00

"Guys that was pretty good but I know you can do better". He was telling me I obviously didn't know how high the bar should be and I'd only do a disservice by putting it anywhere."----Randy Pausch "The Last Lecture"

I hope when I push you to strive for more you feel it's because I believe in you and not because you feel you aren't good enough. I will try to tell you specifically what I like 10 times more than I say something I don't like. How am I doing at that???

Love, Mom

-- Posted from my iPhone

Hard lessons

2009-10-28T23:58:00.001-04:00

It's not how hard you hit but how hard you are hit and keep moving forward---Randy Pausch

I'm trying very hard to stay out of your way and let you learn life's lessons your own way. I only wish it weren't so darn hard. I want to protect you from pain and disappointment....but really the better lesson is to teach you how to deal with frustration and how to get back onto your feet if you fall. You'll feel stronger that way. At the same time, I'll always be here with a kiss and a band-aid, trying hard not to gasp as I see the fall coming.

I want you both to be the type of people who make lemonade from the lemons life throws at you. I want you to find the good in the bad. I want you to find strength as the world crumbles around you. But I also want you to reach out for help when you need it. Read the "The Last Lecture," Randy is a great example of a lemonade manufacturer :)

I realize I need to model that type of persistence, but also allow you to in small measures experience the joy that comes with a hard earned victory over adversity.

Love, Mama

-- Posted from my iPhone

Keep trying

2009-10-21T23:25:00.001-04:00

"Brick walls are there for a reason. The brick walls aren't there to keep you out. They are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something. The Brick walls are there for people who don't want it badly enough." --Randy Pauch

Or as you both sing from "Yo Gabba Gabba"....."Keep trying, keep trying. Don't give up, don't give up. Keep trying, keep trying. You'll get it right, you'll get it right."

Persist and fight to make your dreams a reality. I'll be there to cheer you on :). If it's hard to acheive, the success will be even sweeter.

---Love, Mom

-- Posted from my iPhone

Criticism

2009-10-08T22:01:00.001-04:00

"When you are screwing up and nobody says anything to you anymore, that means they've given up on you. You may not want to hear it but your critics are often the ones telling you they still love you and care about you and want to make you better." Randy Pauch

I hope you will not be as sensitive to criticism as I am. Don't take it as a personal attack....see it Randy's way instead.

Love, Mom

-- Posted from my iPhone

All Apologies

2009-09-26T10:14:00.000-04:00

"Proper apologies have three parts: what I did was wrong; I feel badly I hurt you; how do I make this better?" From The Last Lecture by: Randy Pausch

Hopefully I always do this and hopefully you will learn that nobody's perfect and apologies are a necessary part of life. Don't ever be afraid to admit when you are wrong. And try not to make the same mistake twice.

Love, Mom

-- Posted from my iPhone

No more whining

2009-09-22T16:15:00.001-04:00

Complaining doesn't work as a strategy. We all have finite time and energy. Any time we spend whining is unlikely to help us achieve our goals. And it won't make us happier.
(From "The Last Lecture" by Randy Pausch)

Oh how wise!! A really great reason not to whine besides the fact that it's like nails on a chalkboard.

-- Posted from my iPhone

Expectations

2009-09-18T23:15:00.001-04:00

From "Lunchbox Chronicles" by: Marion Winik

"Unrealistic expectations are self-defeating; becoming obsessed with guilt when things go awry, as they are bound to in such a difficult and long term project, doesn't help anybody. You can't very well move on and act the way you'd like while mired in unworthiness and hopelessness. And all the time you spend brooding and punishing yourself is more time when your best self is not there for your children."

I will try everyday to look ahead and not back. So I can be fully present, enjoy all life has to offer, and improve the outcome of this long-term project (parenthood).

I have been feeling guilty that I have not posted as often as I'd like. But taking this passage to heart, I renew my commitment to share the thoughts in my mind. I will not set unrealistic expectations nor mire when I go off track. I will willingly rely on the quotes of others (whilst giving them credit) if they capture something I think or feel. I do not need to reinvent the wheel. I have far too many other things to accomplish within a day. Can I get an "Amen!"

-- Posted from my iPhone

Good Stuff

2009-09-17T13:44:00.001-04:00

The man who is to gain a living by his labour must be drawn away from home, or at least from the cradle side, to perform labour; but this will not, if he be made of good stuff, prevent him from doing his share of the duty to his children-William Cobbett, 1830

Girls, Your daddy is this kind of man. May you find a man just as good :)

-- Posted from my iPhone

Dance Like No One Is Watching

2009-09-16T15:37:00.001-04:00

Dance like no one is watching, love like you'll never be hurt, sing like no one is listening, and live like it's heaven on earth---William Purkey

If you can live like this you will be happy :)

-- Posted from my iPhone

Check this out!!

2009-07-30T22:01:00.001-04:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fULtU2NfPQA

I love the message this sends...I'm going to share it with my girls :) Enjoy.

Eat as I eat

2009-07-29T21:31:00.003-04:00

So lots of friends keep remarking how great Dean and I look...thanks for noticing :) It all started when Dean and I decided we needed to do more than "talk the talk" we needed to "walk the walk" if we ever expected the girls to be healthy. And that is exactly what we call it. We do not use words describing a person's size...we are taking the emphasis off of the number on the scale, because a number does not equal health. At 2 and 4 they are too young to be hearing messages that they need to be skinny. And I don't want them to pass judgements on children or adults because of their size...so we stick to what is truly at the heart of the matter and that's being healthy!

The obesity epidemic is frightening and escalating! We defiantly didn't want our girls to deal with the pain (emotional and physical), frustration, and limitations that being overweight causes. I do not want that for me nor for my family. So we are on a mission to show our girls what a healthy lifestyle entails. Young kids learn so much from their parents and their environment from the earliest age so we needed to start now. Below I will sum up some of the key changes we made.......

1. Eating better foods.....well of course this includes organic (because that is the first thought that comes to mind) but also unprocessed foods (as much as possible, but convenience still plays a role). Foods with natural ingredients (really natural and not "marketing" natural)...foods with a few ingredients or ingredients I recognize is important because before the obsesity epidemic packaged and processed foods didn't exist. Hhhmm coincidence? I think not! Eating more fruits and veggies (we joined a CSA-Community Supported Agriculture www.shawfarmscsa.com)

2. Eating healthy snacks (think mini-meals)....I really try hard with this one but am not always successful. Nuts, fruits, yogurt, PB&honey/bananas, fruit and protein shakes, and if nothing else a bar (Dean loves bars but I am not as much a fan, though Caramel Brownie Luna bar is growing on me).

3. Portion control...Let's Dish (a meal assembly prep place) has made a huge impact!! They even give you nutritional info or weight watchers points for each meal you make. At Let's Dish, each "meal" serves 5-6 people so I split the meal into two containers so then each "meal" feeds 2-3. Two dinners for the price of one, which also saves us money on eating out (but don't fret we still eat out just not nearly as much). When we go out, Dean and I split meals now...go ahead be amazed I am too looking at it in print.

4. Listen to our satiation cues...we stop eating when we are full even if it tastes really good...we never used to do this and always left restaurants feeling sick :( We also never force the girls to eat everything of their plate.

5. No diets....yeah the old mantra its a life change is how we are living it these days!!

6. Support....With both Dean and I on board it makes a huge difference. We both started out doing this for the girls but now do it for ourselves...which is the better reason of course but whatever gets you started.

7. EXERCISE!!! I run to eat...I will admit it. I can be more lenient with indulgences if I am exercising than if I wasn't. Dean and I are both on training programs for running (mine is through www.RunnersWorld.com) and it keeps us on track. We also signed up for races of various lengths as another way to keep on track. As a SAHM, I find it difficult not to have benchmarks to compare my performance to (I know type A), so the training program gives me that feedback I need to know I am doing a good job and am successful. I am really enjoying running, but choose something that you like not what I like :) Obviously if you like it you will keep going back...and that's the key. I will also admit that the childcare at my gym (Lifetime Fitness) is amazing and enables me to exercise (and even shower and gussy up alone...aahhhhhh) possible! Varying the exercise is also important to avoid a plateau when your body becomes to used to whatever challenge you are throwing its way.

8. Being active as a family...this is still a work in progress but we recognize this as an important goal.

Some books that I have been reading along the way:
How to Get Your Kid to Eat but Not Too Much by: Ellyn Satter http://www.amazon.com/How-Get-Your-Kid-Eat/dp/0915950839
Food Matters by: Mark Bittman http://www.amazon.com/Food-Matters-Conscious-Eating-Recipes/dp/1416575642
Fit Kids by: Eileen Behan http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000FC0OK4/ref=pd_lpo_k2_dp_sr_1?pf_rd_p=304485901&pf_rd_s=lpo-top-stripe-1&pf_rd_t=201&pf_rd_i=0830745343&pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_r=0B9H6Q5TPDNYBN5789HY

2009-07-26T23:03:00.001-04:00

Girls on Firetruck

Why do you shave your legs Mommy?

2009-06-13T14:44:00.003-04:00

Hmmm.....I never really though about it to be honest....so when my four year old asked me this question last week I was stumped. No one makes you think more about life and your choices than a child. To them everything is black and white and everything should have an answer. Have you ever tried to explain why there is war or why people die? Ha ha ha ha...just wait its great! I challenge you to give a 4 year old an answer they would be satisfied with or would make sense to you when you think about it through their perspective.

I guess I shave because my mother shaved and the girls in my class shaved and I am expected to shave. I like the way my legs feel when they are soft and just shaven. I don't think my husband would appreciate it if I didn't shave...scratch that I know he wouldn't. But I didn't want to say I shave because everyone else does or other people want me to...BAA! So the answer I gave was something like, "I shave to get the hair off my leg." Sounds good right? Anyone reading who has a toddler knows you have to give just enough information to answer the question without provoking a follow-up question. Well I usually stink at this and that time was no different.

Follow-up question: "Can I shave the hair off my legs?"
A: "No you are too young."
Question #3: "Well Daddy's older, Why doesn't he shave?"
A: "Men don't shave their legs but they do shave their face."
Question #4: "Do you shave your face?"
A: "No" (feeling above my upper lip suddenly self-conscious should I? Is my 4 yr old trying to nicely tell me something?)
Question #5: "Why do woman shave the hair off their legs?"

Now if you thought I was doing pretty well...hold that thought a second.

A: "Because in our culture, that's what's expected."
Question #6: "What is culture?"
A: Such a lame attempt to answer that I can't even remember how I stammered out a reply, followed by a barrage of more questions

SCCHREECCHHH...train is now off the track and I can tell the questions will continue unabated until I either shut up (which usually doesn't end the questions), try the "I don't know, lets look it up" approach, or (and this is what usually happens) I cry "uncle" and tell her that we are all done asking questions. I know...mean mean mean.

I hope when both girls get older they decide for themselves whether to shave or not and those around them respect their choice. I also hope when their kids ask them this question they have a good reason why they shave or don't shave, because my answer really stunk!

What is your definition of a stay-at-home mom (SAHM)?

2009-05-23T14:33:00.000-04:00

I realize that I should also recognize a large reason I myself chose to stay at home to care for my children...my mother. She stayed home when my brother and I were young, despite the penalties (e.g., less retirement money, missed wages, lower salary base due to missed years of employment). She made us to feel more important than her career. I felt so loved and care for, I want the same for my girls. I want to replicate how I felt then for them. She appeared to love every moment being with us (even though I know realize that was probably not the case). Either really good acting on "bad" days or rose tinted glasses...perhaps a bit of both.

I distinctly remember feeling upset at her decision to return to work when we were both is school all day. Of course, I could not see the bigger picture, all I saw was my perspective...I still needed her and was afraid she would not be there for us anymore. Of course, over time her actions changed that flawed perspective....but it was how I felt initially. I want my girls to know how much I loved and still do love my job prior to having them, but that it will always be there waiting for me to return to it (luckily for me) when they no longer need me as they do now. I am willing to sacrifice the joy I get from being a apeech-language therapist for the infinitely more rewarding job of being a part of their everyday...even the long tough days. And although my choice is not right for everyone, it is right for my family.

Ok recognition given, (thank you mom!) now on to the next thought on my mind :)

So as I mentioned in my first post, I am reading a book by Penelope Leach titled "Child Care Today." In the chapter on child care provided by SAHM's ("Care by Full-Time Mothers"), she defines a SAHM as a woman "who cares for her own children without regularly using any type of child care and to the exclusion of paid employment." Does anyone reading have issues with this definition? I know I do...ok so she had to be specific and set some line in the sand, but come on now! I think a better definition would be a woman who is the primary childcare provider of her child(ren). Her definition would exclude a lot of SAHM's I know, including myself. I have 2 clients I see every weekend in their homes (oops I contribute financially!) and I regularly use the childcare center in the gym (oopps paid childcare how dare I). I know of moms who have home businesses that they do in the "spare" time, are they not SAHMs? So if I am not a SAHM then what the hell am I?? Discuss.......

I want that!

2009-05-21T14:34:00.010-04:00

http://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/americanidol/2009/05/21/2009-05-21_american_idols_bikinigirl_katrina_.html

Ok lets let the haters have their say about Katrina Darrell (the cocky American Idol "Bikini Girl"). And lets have the feminists have their say as well. Now let me tell you what I think.....

It bothers me that she is so cocky..I will admit that right off the bat...and perhaps that is her way of dealing with whatever insecurities she may have (and obviously her breasts were one/two because of her obvious, though seemingly well done, breast augmentation). Lets also be honest that she has a really nice body! Though I don't have her body, I wish I had a little of her confidence! I wish I could change in the gym's locker room without desperately trying not to reveal any skin. I mean what am I worried about? I have worked really hard at becoming more healthy and in shape...so why hide it?? Will I ever be satisfied with how I look? Many woman who I think look great and aspire to look like are also not happy with their bodies (or at least parts)....so maybe its unattainable.

Despite Katrina's cockiness and my dislike of it, I am far more bothered by the American Idol judge Kara DioGuardi (a slender beautiful woman...ideals in our society, no?). She was embarrassed of her body. This was evidenced by her quick flash (though for charity) and her multiple attempts to hold her dress shut. Why should she be so embarrassed to show off her body??? That really bothers me. Now, I am not advocating stripping or flashing. And lets be honest, she was not indecent...she was wearing a swimsuit and my girls will see just as much at the pool this summer. I like modesty just as the next mother of two young girls...but embarrassment? If you have decided to open your dress, then leave it open! Be confident!

That is what I want for myself and my girls. I guess I better start somewhere...do as I do, right? Next stop gym locker room.......oh, and for those who may actually see me attempt this at the gym, yikes!

My First Post....

2009-05-20T19:58:00.006-04:00

Well here I go....and I'm sorry to say it won't be light material...but its on my mind and so here goes!

"Whatever the brief period between the end of WWII and the 1970's when sole full-time mother care was the social expectation or aspiration meant to children, it meant isolation and discrimination to many of their mothers and hastened it's own ending by helping to power them into the woman's movement....looking regretfully over our shoulders at a rose-tinted past stops us from making realistic assessments of the present or looking forward to how we could make a better future."

OK...so am I the only one who thought that the June Cleaver mother image (which I am held up to BTW) was longer standing than 30 some odd years??? I know my maternal grandmother worked but I though it was soley because my maternal grandfather was on disability. I also know my paternal grandmother worked but they owned a family deli so its not like my paternal grandfather was going to cook. So if this "ideal" of women leaving the workforce to raise children is only 30 years young...why does it feel like an old inflexible notion?? I am SO glad that my husband and I have the financial ability to live on one income and that I desire to stay at home raising my kids...please don't misunderstand. I just think that women or men should be supported by society, government, their families, and other mothers/fathers to choose what is best for their family and they should not be penalized as we now are no matter what choice we make. If a woman/man stays home and raises kids, she/he sacrifices both short term and long term financial gains, professional gains, personal goals, and sometimes social connections. If a woman works outside the home, than she is trying to juggle work and home demands, worries about her child's care and development in someone else's hands, sacrifices personal time to spend as much time with her kids as possible, and rushes always rushes. In our current societal climate, we can't get it right no matter what we choose.

"Although many women of your mother's generation found full-time mothering limiting and frustrating and that played its part in the woman's movement, their mothers and grandmothers had stayed at home as a matter of course...the experience was very different and far less isolating. Families used to be bigger, there were a surplus of women realitives living with you, and even poor families had servants."

So here again...June Cleaver defiantely did NOT have a big family, servants,or live-in female relatives sharing in the household chores and mothering tasks!! So how the hell did she get it all done? Maybe she didn't...it was TV after all (yes I do know reality from TVland...but come on!). Lets be honest...doesn't it make you feel inadequate when you can't keep up? I know I do...and now it seems it was a farse. A FARSE I tell you!!! And now lets reflect on how staying at home to raise kids (even if its what you want) can be isolating, frustrating, limiting and how that then makes a person feel........So here is where I give a gigantic shout out and thank you to my husband and mommy friends for keeping me sane!! Hallelujia for all of you! So it makes sense that stay at home moms (or dads for that matter also) really need a social network. Without one, well I don't think they would continue to stay home or remain happy for very long. So thank you again social network! I am so glad you are a part of my life.

Both excerpts taken from "Child Care Today" by: Penelope Leach, a book I have borrowed from the library and thus far have enjoyed reading.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/02/20/AR2009022003579_pf.html

http://www.nj.com/parenting/peggy_ocrowley/index.ssf/2009/02/parenting_guru_penelope_leachs.html